She
has not spoken to me the whole Month yet, we argued the last time we talked. It
can’t have been bad because she also said some nasty things too. Maybe it was
something else that I don't know. Now I’m sad and angry: Sad because she has
stayed away too long and angry because she is in my mind too often
I
feel like it’s for the best; but I worry that I may not be able to do
everything I would want to do –maybe because I’ll lose focus or lack
Opportunity or maybe I’ve just never had the Love of a PARENT to watch over me.
I know HE never loved me; HE always complained of me: I was never good enough
for him. I think I also hated him. I despised him; I never felt proud to have
his name, maybe that's why I swore an affidavit to have it changed.
I
have learnt that not everything works out not even family. All Thanks to David
Nicholls and his book ‘One Day’ -Which is beautiful by the way- and life, which
has shown me this firsthand. I’ve also learnt that nothing is ‘very important’.
The things that we deem very important screw us over in one way or the other;
leaving us alone and empty: Alone because, for them, we killed most or all
other aspects of our life and empty because we have nothing else to live for.
HER
expectations of me suck. She expects that on the eve of my graduation day I’ll
sleep and when I wake up the next Day, I will be a grown man; yet she kept
aloof on my upbringing, she allowed them to shift me to a boarding school where
no one ever visited. Then during the holidays HER children turned me into a
nannie. All they cared about was the happiness of their children; but it was
different for her son, he wanted me to pay. To pay for the sins of his parents
who gave birth to a child for him to raise.
I
have had to make some choices; some stupid others made sure I kept on living.
Maybe I matured earlier and ended up missing my childhood. I'm not ready to
mature yet; I was telling my friend Ngare the other day that to Mature is a
choice. He laughed. Surely the Physical aspect of maturity is uncontrollable
but the mental and emotional aspect is a choice.
So
I bask in this age of now and Catch some of its sun –hoping the sun won’t kill
me prematurely like science says; maybe we should not have cut that tree to
make the fancy coffin. The set way of life is a lie. Go to school, get a job,
start a family; we think we are living but all we are doing is dying. The voice
of maturity goads me. “Your face is too scared.” –It says- “your will never
have a future, At least not until I help you figure it out!” also “Look! Your
dreams are a little bit small you need to start dreaming BIG". So I decide
to leave that critic called a conscious and turn the radio up. The song that’s
playing tells me to Accept. Accept and move on. I ignore this advice. I turn to
my high school principals – the One about the 3As. Acknowledge, Accept, and
Act.
But
since I’m past the first two, I move on to Stage 3 Action. I play some real
loud hyped up Music and start working out. When I get tired, I call HER.
“Mum,
I’ve never known loving a woman: but yes there’s a girl here with me; she says
she will; Love me forever. I know I love her coz she knows how to calm my
demons. The other day she had to rush me to hospital; I think I awoke the
dragon. All I wanted to do was to kill. Maybe something like strangling a
person; or No I wanted to hang myself. I have been having these suicidal
thoughts for a while now. I think of what will happen if I killed myself. I
know you would mourn and cry for me, but what's the point of living when I have
no one to call Father, no one to call Brother or Sister. I thought even if they
all stayed away we would still have each other; remember that's what made me
stay in the beginning. I'm always wondering what my life would be in Europe.
Its four years now since I turned that offer down. All I wanted was to stay
with you; sometimes I think it was stupid I listened to you.
At first I thought if I hanged I would punish
you for all the pain you let me go through; all I want is for this pain to go
away; the pain of rejection, the pain of always trying to please. I want to be
a coward and take the easy way out. Maybe I'm that coward after all. Did I tell
you that the day I dislocated my shoulder you son had earlier called me a
coward? He also came and called me a thief; while you just sat there and did
nothing. If you really did love me you could not have allowed him to strip me
of my dignity. Did I not come from the same womb as him? But as your husband
said I will never be part of that family. I'm ready to tie the knot around my
neck and let it go, but at the same time I don't want to cause pain to those
who loved me for what I am. Kevin is always checking on me, questioning
WhatsApp updates. I also have plans with Faith, and I don't want to disappoint
her.
At least you know am safe with her. Don’t cry
for me now; gather your tears Save them for what is coming, For all your sons
are dead; or will soon be; WHATS BETTER THAN TO HAVE A MOTHER BURY ALL HER SONS
or save for the favorite one. Maybe he will help you read their eulogies; is
that not what He wanted. He will see his dream come true;
No
more burdens for him?
Tell
them not come looking for me, I have paid my debt. Haven't I not "cooked
and cleaned" for their children enough times now?
I'm
not promising anything. Maybe one day the inevitable will catch up with me and
she won't be there to save me. When the day comes don't cry for me. Don't come
to pick my body for you never came for me when I was living when I'm with the
dead don't show any remorse. Tell the BISHOP I had a vision; his prayers will
lead my soul to a better place.
John 3:16
After all love will never fail nor
shall it end.
FOR
True love is loving and not being
loved.
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